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Post by John Winston Lennon O'Boogie on Mar 14, 2015 9:18:49 GMT -5
A young man with his pants hanging half off his butt, two gold front teeth and a half-inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched up to the counter and said, " You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the System, getting something for nothing."
The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2015 Mercedes-Benz CL & he will supply all of your clothes."
"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward but you will also have to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her 20's and has a strong sex drive.
The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshi*tin' me?!”
The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . you started it."
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Post by imSINGLEruRICH on Apr 14, 2015 13:50:34 GMT -5
A Few Funnies to Lighten the Mood!!  A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. The man eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over. The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go." The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!" What do lawyers use as contraceptives? Their personalities.  Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children. After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together." Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?" The priest replied, "I mean her legs." Two Irishmen friends are drinking together at one of their homes. One friend takes out a bottle of Irish whiskey and asks the other, "Will you pour this bottle out on my grave if I die first?" His friend replies, "Do you mind if I pass it through my kidneys first?" There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds. After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week. The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her. This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less. Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program. Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still he signs up. The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign around his neck that says, "If I catch you, you're mine!" The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34. .
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Post by John Winston Lennon O'Boogie on May 15, 2015 6:17:43 GMT -5
>>
>> Fred was driving home from one of his business trips, in Northern
>>
Arizona, when he saw an elderly Navajo man walking on the side of the
>> road.
>>
>> As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the
>> Navajo man if he would like a ride.
>>
>> With a silent nod of thanks,
the Indian got into the car.
>>
>> Resuming the journey, Fred tried - in
vain - to make a bit of small
>> talk with the Navajo man. The old man just
sat silently, looking
>> intently at everything he saw, studying every little
detail, until he
>> noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Fred.
>>
>>
"What in bag?" asked the old man.
>>
>> Fred looked down at the brown bag
and said: "It's a bottle of wine. I
>> got it for my wife."
>>
>> The
Navajo man was silent for another moment or two. Then, speaking
>> with the
quiet wisdom of an elder, he said:
>>
>> "Good trade . . ..."
>>
>>
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Post by imSINGLEruRICH on Oct 3, 2015 5:36:06 GMT -5
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Post by imSINGLEruRICH on Oct 20, 2015 17:07:29 GMT -5
WHATTTTTTTTTT ??No crazier than the "stories" that make their way around CMKX Land ... 
A Man Named Santa Claus Is Running for Office In the North Pole
Megan McCluskey
Oct. 2, 2015 Santa Claus..  You better watch out, you better not cry In the Alaska town of North Pole, a man whose legal name is Santa Claus is running for a City Council seat. The Fairbanks Daily News-Miner reports that Claus is one of two candidates who have launched write-in campaigns for the office. The City Council has two seats up for election this year, but no one filed for office during the regular filing period. The Kris Kringle-dubbed candidate is the former president of the North Pole Chamber of Commerce. He is running against La Nae Bellamy and will need voters to write in his name on Oct. 6 to win the new position. If Claus wins, we can only hope Alaska City Council members get Christmas off from work
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Post by theotherside on Oct 20, 2015 21:48:19 GMT -5
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Post by imSINGLEruRICH on Nov 7, 2015 8:18:42 GMT -5
Now this is funny for all you cat lovers out there......#2198422
mike_tysons_tiger 13 hours ago Beware of INTHEKNOW Guru scaring cmkx shareholders INTHEKNOW has been know to put on a Cat mask and scare of the cmkx kittys beware. www.liveleak.com/view?i=642_1446841204
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Post by imSINGLEruRICH on Nov 16, 2015 15:47:46 GMT -5
Wife: "What are you doing?" Husband : Nothing. Wife : "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour." Husband : "I was looking for the expiration date." XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXA bank robber wanted to keep his identity secret, but didn't wear a balaclava. He told all in the bank not to look at him or he would shoot them. One foolhardy customer sneaked a look, and the robber promtply shot him. The robber asked if anyone else had seen his face. One customer, gazing intently at the ground, said "I think my wife got a glimpse" XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXHusband takes the wife to a disco. There’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large – break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works. The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down." Husband says: "Looks like he’s still fking celebrating!!" XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXA wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator." Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn’t wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn’t suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don’t fit into anymore. Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, "Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?" "And so, here we are!" XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXA guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?" She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I’m your son’s teacher." XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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Post by gabbyhayes on Nov 16, 2015 16:09:17 GMT -5
That is very funny Roe..gonna show my wife..... |
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Post by 3bid on Nov 25, 2015 15:39:06 GMT -5
MinusIQ | The pill to lower your IQ permanently
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Post by imSINGLEruRICH on Dec 4, 2015 19:04:29 GMT -5
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Post by str8biodiesel on Jan 29, 2016 15:07:27 GMT -5
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Post by imSINGLEruRICH on Feb 1, 2016 11:24:17 GMT -5
Perfect timming !! Thanks !! A Politician Dies And Has To Spend Just ONE Day In Hell. This Is Priceless!A politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name. "So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and unfortunately you will have to spend a day in Hell. After that however, you're free to choose where you want to spend eternity!" "Wait, I have to spend a day in Hell?!" says the politician. "Those are the rules," replies St Peter, clicks his fingers, and WOOMPH, the guy dissapears. He awakes, curled up with his hands over his eyes, knowing he's in Hell. Cautiously, he listens for the screams, sniffs the air for brimstone, and finds... Nothing. Just the smell of, is that fabric softener? And cut grass, this can't be right? "Open your eyes!" says a voice. "C'mon, wakey wakey, we've only got 24 hours!" Nervously, he uncovers his eyes, looks around, and sees he's in a hotel room. A nice one too. Wait, this is a penthouse suite... And there's a smiling man in a suit, holding a martini. "Who are you??" The politician asks. "Well, I'm Satan!" says the man, handing him the drink and helping him to his feet. "Welcome to Hell!" "Wait, this is Hell? But... Where's all the pain and suffering?" he asks. Satan throws him a wink. "Oh, we've been a bit misrepresented over the years, it's a long story. Anyway, this is your room! The minibar is of course free, as is the room service, there's extra towels next to the hot-tub, and if you need anything, just call reception. But enough of this! It's a beautiful day, and if you'd care to look outside..." Slightly stunned by the opulent surroundings, the man wanders over to the floor-to-ceiling windows through which the sun is glowing, looks far down, and sees a group of people cheering and waving at him from a golf course. "It's one of 5 pro-level courses on site, and there's another 6 just a few minutes drive out past the beach and harbour!" says Satan, answering his unasked question. So they head down in the lift, walk out through the glittering lobby where everyone waves and welcomes the man, as Satan signs autographs and cheerily talks shop with the laughing staff. And as he walks out, he sees the group on the golf course are made up of every one of his old friends, people he's admired for years but never met or worked with, and people whose work he's admired but died long before his career started. And out of the middle of this group walks his wife, with a massive smile and the body she had when she was 20, who throws her arms around him and plants a delicate kiss on his cheek. Everyone cheers and applauds, and as they slap him on the back and trade jokes, his worst enemy arrives, as a 2 foot tall goblin-esque caddy. He spends the day in the bright sunshine on the course, having the time of his life laughing at jokes and carrying important discussions, putting the world to rights with his friends while holding his delighted wife next to him as she gazes lovingly at him. Later, they return to the hotel for dinner and have an enormous meal, perfectly cooked. As everyone is falling about laughing and flinging bread sticks at each other, his wife whispers in his ear... And they return to their penthouse suite, and spend the rest of the night making love like they did on their honeymoon. After hours of passion, the man falls deep into the 100% Egyptian cotton pillows, and falls into a deep and happy sleep... and is woken up by St Peter. "So, that was Hell. Wasn't what you were expecting, I bet?" "No sir!" says the man. "So then," says St Peter. "You can make your choice. It's Hell, which you saw, or Heaven, which has choral singing, talking to God, white robes, and so on." "Well... I know this sounds strange, but on balance, I think I'd prefer Hell," says the politician. "Not a problem, we totally understand! Enjoy!" says St Peter, and clicks his fingers again. The man wakes up in total darkness, the stench of ammonia filling the air and distant screams the only noise. As he adjusts, he can see the only light is from belches of flame far away, illuminating the ragged remains of people being tortured or burning in a sulphurous ocean. A sudden bolt of lightning reveals Satan next to him, wearing the same suit as before and grinning, holding a soldering iron in one hand and a coil of razor-wire in the other. "What's this??" He cries. "Where's the hotel?? Where's my wife??? Where's the minibar, the golf-courses, the pool, the restaurant, the free drinks and the sunshine???" "Ah", says Satan. "You see, yesterday, we were campaigning. But today, you voted." |
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Post by imSINGLEruRICH on Feb 25, 2016 14:42:42 GMT -5
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Post by imSINGLEruRICH on Feb 27, 2016 18:17:26 GMT -5
OMG........ TOO d*mn FUNNYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.. Good one Busheyes !! Busheyes
DIAMOND JEDI
Post by Busheyes on about an hour agoHow'd they all get shirts with beach-balls sewn in?  [/quote] Don't you know that was some fishing trip? Do we know the names of these people?
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